Leaders today feel trapped. How do you drive growth without dragging down mental health?
An important clue to solving this riddle comes from a study back in the 1930s conducted by a researcher at the University of Iowa named Kurt Lewin. Lewin gathered three groups of preteens for an afterschool Arts & Crafts program, and assigned each a different style of leader. When the study finished, Lewin let each group vote whether to disband their group or keep going.
Lewin's first group had a laidback leader who was nice and friendly and never gave critical feedback.At the end of the program, this group of kids uttered a collective meh and a yawn as they voted to end the program...right before tossing their lackluster projects in the circular file on the way out the door.We've all seen versions of this play out.It's the "cool" teacher whose bored students don't learn.It's the friendly boss whose frustrated team never breakthroughs the barrier of mediocrity.It's the doting parents whose kid never quite makes it out of the nest.These are the failures we have fresh in our mind when we fall into the Tough Love Trap.
Lewin's second group got a tough leader who set high performance standards.With an eye on excellence, this no-nonsense leader pushed, shoved, cajoled and criticized the boys whenever they failed to meet his high standards.At the end of phase one, this group of boys enthusiastically voted to end the program, before immediately chucking their hand-crafted projects on the floor so that they could stomp and kick the symbols of their oppression.
I bet you've seen this one play out, too, haven't you? It's the talented young athlete who quits playing sports because they'll never be quite good enough for their vein-popping coach; the gifted child of the Tiger Mom who trades in the pre-med stethoscope for the barista's apron; or the promising Gen Z hire who tells you in the exit interview she's simply had enough of her A-hole boss.
The Tough Love Trap is a fundamental misunderstanding about how to facilitate growth.
In Lewin's third group, the leader set high expectations for hard work and performance just like the tough leader. But unlike the tough leader he didn't criticize the boys. Unlike the soft leader, he didn't coddle them.When he saw a subpar early draft, this leader gave the boys no empty utterances of "good job," nor any disappointed scowls or stern demands to "do better." Instead, he asked each boy honest questions about what changes they could make to reach his high standards.
Not surprisingly, it was only this third group of boys who voted to continue their program and keep improving their already superior projects.
In the years since Lewin's simple discovery, countless studies of managers, parents, teachers, coaches and cops reveal that the most effective leaders are neither pushovers nor bullies.Leaders who understand that high-standards and high-support go hand-in-hand, have been given many labels by researchers. They've been called warm demanders, democratic leaders, authoritative parents, mentors and more.I just call them winners.
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NOTES: Most of the research I summarized here can be found in David Yeager's groundbreaking new book 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. If you are a parent, a coach, or a manager of Gen Z employees, I can't recommend this book highly enough. Here is Kurt Lewin's study as it originally appeared in a 1939 issue of the Journal of Social Psychology.
